No Regrets

When I moved to Montana, I bought a house I fell in love with. I bought a house I could picture raising a family in, hosting Thanksgiving in, growing old in. There were a few important ingredients I ignored, that I am now paying the price for. For one, at 32, why was it so important to me to find a house to grow old in? Didn't I have plenty of time for that? Sure, moving is a pain, closing costs are expensive, and my cat knows I hate renting. But really? Buying a house I could barely afford, too big for me to use, not to mention care for, with a yard I was frankly frightened of?

Anyway, I have talked about this before, but it is still with many mixed emotions my house will be put up for sale tomorrow. I have a realtor that has won my faith by fighting off the city and roving child-salesmen, and complimenting all my small victories. I still love this house. I love it for its charm and potential. I suppose whenever something so expensive is involved, it is easy to think about how much you care for the house. I know I loved my grandma's house, and I also know by the time I sold it, it looked like my house. But, as then, it was time for me to move on with my life, regardless of the architecture and geography of a house. This house will cost me money to sell, and that can break the spirit. But it was something I needed to do, I guess, to make me realize I'm not ready to live in the house I want to die in. I'm not even sure I'm ready to live in the city I want to die in. Maybe it was too much to find the "dream house" and I should have been suspicious. Maybe I need to build a dream house that fits this moment's dreams, rather than trying to predict my whole life's dreams.

And when that isn't enough to ease the sting of it all, I imagine my grandma writing me a check from the afterlife to cover the difference, winking at me, and saying, "now go make some grandbabies."



[Right now, I am consumed my the house... I haven't even touched the issue of the career yet... and in some ways, that stings more than the house, because I got to start building a program from the ground up, and I will have to start again, in unknown circumstances. I'm sure it will be wonderful, but for now, I know we are onto something great here!]